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literature by WendaVinci

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Submitted on
September 21, 2013
Submitted with Writer


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ariel stole your breath more than i ever did -
when my heart was thudding between your lungs,
because that was the only safe place, or so i was told

i can't remember when my heart caught the fever
for you had guarded it with your own ribcage for so long
my memories melded between your synapses and
we became one

i think i've lost it.  i really have.
i don't even know what this means, so if you can tell me, i'd really appreciate it

'ariel' is in reference to a wind spirit. just fyi.

"i can't remember when my heart caught the fever" is a rendition of a line from the song "Postcards from Paris" by the Band Perry.

i should stop now.

EDIT: 10/18/13: A DD?! GAH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH =ssolaris, ^star-blazer :love:
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-10-18
nine by *ithaswhatitisnt is, as the suggester says, "a short artistic poem, but don't let its brevity mislead you." It holds power in even its few lines. ( Suggested by ssensory and Featured by DorianHarper )
This poem may be short but it still paints a picture of feeling, comfort, and sadness. How "ariel" is more prominent to the boy than you yet you still love him deeply. But it seemed you did have some sort of connection with him. A moment. That kind of moment where you forget your troubles and woes and the only thing that matters is the person in front of you and the moment itself. That moment that only happens once in a lifetime. You feels so close and so familiar to him, you feel as if you could trust him with anything. Your secrets, your memories, your soul. Like you have become one being. Like being reborn into something new. You were able to describe something so unexplainable in such few words. For that, I give a hats off to you. Keep writing your in-depth poetry.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 11 deviants thought this was fair.

I see how you abandon punctuation for a good bit of this poem, which was a wise decision given the topic, theme, and tone of this poem. However, the bit of punctuation you do have in this poem is slightly muddling the flow. The first punctuation in this poem is a dash and I know why it’s placed there. It’s placed there because the rest of this poem is describing this line as to why ariel stole your breath more than I ever did, right? If so, you can do two things: keep the punctuation (this one is kind of on a standstill, I mean, the bit of punctuation is okay here…it kind of aids with the rhythm SO FORGET WHAT I SAID AND KEEP IT) or have the first line as its own stanza. The first option would be the better of the two, in my opinion, because of rhythm and your original intent. Now, the commas that are in this stanza: the first one isn’t needed for grammatical reasons but also because it gives it an extra pause it doesn’t need, and the second comma in this stanza is a redundant pause; due to the rhythm in the third line of the first stanza, it would be indicated to take a pause between ‘place’ and ‘or’. (one other suggestion for this stanza, that does not rely on punctuation, is to maybe make the font size a tad bigger in the third line? I understand why it's so small, but it's almost too hard to read for me. I have poor eyesight, so feel free to ignore this suggestion, honestly).

One thing on the rhythm before I go on to the second stanza – I don’t know if you notice this or not but it sounds like a heartbeat. I’ll take the third line as the best example, beCAUSE that WAS the ONLY safe PLACE or so I was TOLD. (capitalized words/parts of the word represents the stressed syllables). Da-dum, da-dum, dum-dum, da-dum, da-da, dum-da, dum. It’s a little irregular because the heart is usually thought of to go da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, ect. consistently, but in this rhythm that isn’t the case. Do you know why that is so amazing? Because it’s poetic al on its own. Also, it goes so well with the poem’s meaning and word choice and tone. It’s perfect.

Whereas the first stanza has perfect word choice, the second slips up a bit. There are two words I don’t think fits the poem, one that may or may not fit it as well as it should, and another that could be changed but doesn’t have to be. I’ll start from the end. In the second line, you have the word ‘for’ twice. Now, there’s two things with that: it’s slightly awkward and is repeated in that same line. However, if the word ‘for’ is changed to ‘because’, the rhythm would change. It’s something to ponder over, but it doesn’t have to be changed. One word that I don’t think fits is ‘synapses’ because it sounds medical, whereas most of the word choice in this poem sounds emotional, if that makes any sense. There is some distinction to me, though, if there isn’t one to you then go with your instinct and not mine. It also doesn’t fit, or the third line for the most part, with the rest of the poem because the setting generally lies in the heart/ribcage/close to that general vicinity. The second line doesn’t flow so well into the third, so I think you should add more. Synapses still might not be the best word to use, but it depends on (and if) what else you’d add on to the second stanza. Maybe making it into three or four would work. Think of how it goes from heart/ribcage to memories (?) and write from there, but also with your original intent. Or you can do this: with my memories held between yourself we became one. (not in italics though). I’m just throwing that suggestion out there, or well, all of these suggestions for that matter and you don’t have to agree with any of them. Please take them all with a grain of salt if you haven’t already. The last word that I don’t think really fits the poem is ‘fever’ for two reasons: tone and cliché. I suggest maybe changing it to spirit/that you guarded instead of fever/for you had guarded. Personally, I think it’s okay if you ignore that one. The more I read this poem, the more I notice how well that word works in this poem.

The title is something I’m very lax on but it serves an important role for poetry, as well. I read in the comment that it’s titled as so because it used to be one of your fragments. Well, now that it is no longer a fragment it doesn’t /have/ to be titled ‘nine’ if you don’t want it to be. If this poem is personal, I suggest keeping it at nine. If it isn’t, I suggest changing it to something that connects to ‘Ariel’ because it might not be clear to some that it’s about the wind spirit, but never mind that if that doesn’t matter to you (it’s okay if it doesn’t – I feel like that with some things in my poetry. Plus, the ariel is a reference and it can be fine unexplained). Anyways, the title could be what you think the most important word of the poem is. My suggestion on a title is “ariel”, “heart and lungs”, or “fever.” Have I mentioned that I’m not good at suggesting titles? Hah! Do what you want with the title, but make sure you think it’s significant in some way.

This is where the critique ends with suggestions and here comes what I like/love about this piece (besides the rhythm as mentioned earlier). I really love how the heart is thudding between someone’s lungs. Seriously, who thinks of that? That’s ingenious! It sounds so much like you’re fighting to get through to this person. Like you’re just hoping you both can be close or something, but it seems to fail as the first stanza indicates. There is so much good in this poem that it’s hard to pinpoint the little issues, if any, at all. The imagery and word choice is great, honestly. I really think what is so interesting about this poem is that it reminds me of what Plath’s poems must have been like when she was younger. Here we have the interesting reference of ariel, the original imagery, and the very slightly unoriginal (in a good way) word choice that makes the poem relatable. It’s all so great. Geez. I do not think you understand the weight of this poem and how significant this poem really is. Flaunt your poetry – you are damn talented and I only wish you can see this, too.

My interpretation of this poem --
the narrator romanticizes asthma in the first line (reference to ariel) and pretty much states that it makes their significant other (the you in the poem) think the asthma is more important than them (the i in the poem). but oh, no, the narrator does NOT like this. (s)he gets upset over it and says that, "you really can't leave because i am too safe with you." after this, the significant other realizes that despite the breathing difficulty, (s)he must also remain close to their lover.
however, i also came up with a second interpretation...
a person's significant other cares for another more than the narrator and they reconcile at the end.

I hope you know that I thoroughly enjoy this poem and I'm so glad it got the DD feature it deserves. Don't ever stop writing. You're going somewhere someday.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
13 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

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shep4life Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
my memories melded between your synapses and
we became one

Love this
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:love: Thanks!! :heart:
shep4life Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I love the idea of melding into's in a lot of my poetry
SavvyRed Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  Student Writer
You definitely deserve this DD.  I'm glad they recognized your talent! :iconclapplz:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Awww, thank you! :heart:
SavvyRed Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome! :)
MIZZTOLLY Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014  Student General Artist
my favorite part was "my memories melded between your synapses"
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, thanks!! :tighthug:
gossamerdissonance Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014  Student Writer
this is gorgeous!
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
^////^ aww, thank you!
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