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Submitted on
January 10, 2013
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The pencil is a necessary item.  No matter how many times I explain that to my mother, she always chastises the mechanical pencil peeking out of my bun.  It helps me concentrate.  Those are the things I need to be able to get my words out: a pencil in my hair and a caffeinated icy beverage within my grasp.  

I open my laptop and pull up Word.  I want to write, to get back in the swing of things, but I can’t write well unless I’m depressed.  Like, there-is-no-hope-left-in-the-world-for-anything kind of depressed.  But I don’t want to be that person if I can help it.  She is frightening, and I hate what I am when I am her.  

So I attempt to write jovial stories and poems.  Things an audience should respond well to.  But they sound clichéd and overused and I hate them.  There are a million and one similar yarns and I want to be the one writer that isn’t passed over.  If I were using pencil, pen, marker, or even crayon with notebook paper, I would be tossing so many pieces into the garbage can that it would become a landfill of wasted ideas.

Ugh.  My hands are chapped: red, rough, and bleeding in some spots.  Lotion will save me …peaches and vanilla and soothing the burning.  That’s better, I can concentrate again.

I shove my earbuds in deeper and turn up my music of choice.  I can do anything with music’s sweet helping hand, and this confuses people.  ‘How do you pay attention to the words in your head when you’re being bombarded with music?’  It’s easy: I play songs so they become background noise: the lyrics, drum beats and guitar solos don’t mean much to me anymore.  With background noise, the words in my head become clearer.

But what to write?  I have several ideas for fan fiction, most of them involving pairings from my favorite fandoms, and I have a few poems that have been fluttering around, but none of them sound right.  I could write about what’s going on now.  But that’s been done before.  

Some confessions: I’m majorly stressing about my college grades; I don’t believe they’re good enough to get me into veterinary school.  I could go on about my boyfriend, who everyone knows about except my father, and I plan to keep it that way for a while.  I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I feel like I’m living two separate lives, and it’s driving me out of my mind.

It’s freezing in here.  I can’t think straight when I’m shivering.  I’m wearing two sweaters: one of itchy, cheap department-store quality, and a warmer zip-up hoodie.  I need to find some gloves.  Preferably fingerless, so I can still type.

I’m just seated in front of my laptop staring at the white space like if I stare long enough, words will appear and I can just add details to what’s already there.  But it’s a machine, it can’t infiltrate my imagination and pry the words out with a crowbar for me.  I wish it could, it would make my job so much easier.

It’s hard to write when you know you want to but all your ideas sound pointless and unattainable.  

Oh, well.  There’s always singing.
*will probably be moved to scraps later ^^;*

I have so many ideas floating around in my head and nothing ever sounds good to start working on. When I do start, it starts sounding horrible, and I end up deleting the whole thing or ripping it out of my notebook and throwing it out.

Why is starting something that doesn't make me want to rip my hair out so hard? :dummy:

Enjoy. This is purely for kicks and giggles. Though the details are all true...and I'm still cold. ;)
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:iconempty-headed-north:
Empty-headed-north Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A-Are you me?
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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
lol, no, I'm not. :)
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:iconempty-headed-north:
Empty-headed-north Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Are you sure? I mean other then the pencil in the hair, because I don't have long hair. :P
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Pretty sure, yeah. :)
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:iconempty-headed-north:
Empty-headed-north Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I was so convinced!
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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:lol: I'm glad you think that way... :D
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:iconempty-headed-north:
Empty-headed-north Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It really reminds of when I first started here. It hit me kind of hard.
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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
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:iconsilenced-echo:
silenced-echo Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's a lovely piece ! :) Depression seems to make me write better too... As to music, I pay too much attention to it if I try to write, but it's a sinequanon when I'm drawing ^^ And... having ideas and having them not turn out properly is frustrating indeed!
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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for taking a look! :D
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